Updated: Jan 14, 2019
Yeah, I get it. Ryan Reynolds has done some more serious and scary roles such as Paul Conroy in Buried and George Lutz in The Amityville Horror, but he’s never done a slasher. Think about it: Ryan Reynolds as a schizophrenic sociopath laughing manically while chasing Tara Reid with a butcher knife. Yes, Tara Reid because she needs to reunite with Reynolds. Except she also needs to die a lot.
I know, I know. He played a crazy dude in The Voices, but…that movie had no idea what it was supposed to be, so it doesn’t count for this particular article. But can you imagine him screaming at some poor blonde actress in alternating impressions of Sean Connery, Christopher Walken and R. Lee Ermey while hacking away at her alabaster flesh? Because I can. And I want to watch that movie.
Let me create the scene. It’s 2:00 AM, the house is dark. Lightning flashes in the window, illuminating an empty dining room. Thunder crashes as you see a long hallway beneath a wooden staircase. Rain pelts against the roof. You hear voices. They’re soft at first, but become louder as you creep into the living room. A blank television comes into view. The voices grow louder. Eight people are huddled on the couch and around the glass coffee table. They’re telling ghost stories! Relieved? Well, you’ll be even more so when you see Channing Tatum has the floor and he’s quietly telling a spooky tale while holding a flashlight under his chin. Shall we join them? Of course.
That is, until the flashlight goes out and the story is over halfway through. The friends groan, but suppose it’s time to do something else. Like drink and have fun. Everyone separates. You know that’s a bad idea. Especially when you hear the sounds of shattering glass and screams. Running back into the living room, you see Tatum in a sea of sparkling glass from the coffee table. He has a six inch shard in his right hand. It’s dripping with blood. He raises it. You scream. Everything goes dark.
I think I like it. Where’s Eli Roth?
I’m pretty sure the most serious thing I’ve seen Matthew Perry do is The West Wing. Which isn’t saying much. We’ve already seen him as a side-kick to a notorious serial killer, but what if he surpassed that and became mad. Like, really mad.
So, he’s tired of being kicked around, walked on, laughed at and the butt of every joke. He’s tired of the anxiety and OCD. He wants to put it to good use. The first step is picking up that fishing spear. The next is just a delicate push through his ex-wife’s abdomen. That’ll teach her. Blood feels good. It tastes good. Perry needs more.
Originally, I had Zach Braff in this spot, but I realized he’s just too dorky to be a serial killer. If he were coming at me, I’d say, “Why does J.D. have a shotgun? That’s weird. Pfft. He’s probably hunting ducks.” So, Fey gets the spot.
Truly, she’s done the most comedic role ratio here, so it’s a perfect fit. Take all her neuroses: the crazy laugh when she lies, the extreme eye rolls and the way she completely wins our trust through her silly antics. It’s a perfect cover. Anyone in her position at 30 Rock would have been completely fed up with Tracy and Jenna from day one. She’ll murder them first. Make it look like an accident. Maybe a spot light will fall on Jenna. Or a prop gun for Tracy will be loaded with real bullets. Jack’s scotch can be poisoned. But will Kenneth survive?
While Leary has done plenty of frightening scenes in Rescue Me, it’s his affinity for ranting like a madman that gives him a top spot on this list.
Just about anything sets him off, so you can imagine some barely legal actress stumbling around drunk, hitting on him, and then going cold fish when he responds. That would make anyone rage, but Leary would take it a step further in this movie. He’s an improviser. He’d grab the closest thing to him (say…a 2x4 from the alley) and just start smashing her head in while singing the Star Spangled Banner. God, how I’d love to see him go absolutely crackers on a crowd of 9/11 conspiracy theorists. I can totally imagine him going in with a fake bomb strapped to his chest, grenade in hand, just raving about terrorism and justice. Then, he’ll laugh, pull the pin and throw it straight into the crowd before running off. Of course, he’d be shedding an article of clothing with every step, too, because that just puts the psycho icing on the crazy cake.